cate_johnston

Best news of my LIFE

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 02:33:37 GMT

THE BANK APPROVED MY LOAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMFG I'M GONNA GET A VAGINA!!!!!!!!!!!

SO HAPPY!!!!!!

Hi LJ, I done forgot you existed

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 21:10:23 GMT

19 weeks since my last update apparently.
Who the hell counts in weeks? Is my LJ pregnant? WTF?

News: I applied to the bank for a $30k loan to pay for my (genital) surgery. If they agree to loan me the cash, I should have a fancy new vagina by Xmas next year. Who so long? Waiting list. The guy I want to go to in Thailand has a huge waiting list and he won't be available until at least September next year.

Otherwise, life is much the same as ever. Looking forward to a big family Xmas (Ankh's family, not mine - my family are still largely fuckheads).
Will be visiting the family that still speak to me sometime after the New Year in Hamilton. Should be fun.
Gonna apply to the family court to change my gender marker so I can fly on a Female passport when I go to Thailand. Not sure how successful I'll be, but it will be a good test case to see how flexible they are with MTFs.

Please

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 10:14:15 GMT

Someone please send me links to more trans communities for me to get kicked out of. I'm going for the complete set.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm not fucked up enough to be part of these communities.
I have an amazing boyfriend, awesome friends, a great career, a nice house, plenty of disposable income, achievable goals, I pass as female, I have no real issues (other than my parents...but that's their issue, not mine) and I love life.

WTF am I expecting to get out of TS support groups?
All they do is whinge, throw massive pity parties and jerk each other off.
The few people I like from these places are already friends on MSN or Facebook, so it's not like I'm missing out on the people who are actually worth talking to.

I think I've become tragically normal and well adjusted.

I shouldn't bother

Thu, 23 Jul 2009 21:09:58 GMT

Nearly everytime I offer trans advice or try to share my trans experiences, I get shat on by other members of the trans community.

I don't know why I fucking bother.

I think it's time to go back to being tough-as-nails Cate who takes no shit from no one and needs no help from no one.
Or maybe I just don't belong in the trans community.
Maybe I'm too screwed up to ever fit in.
Maybe I'm not screwed up enough to fit in.
I don't bloody know.

Sometimes I feel like there is this massive target on my head that says "I LOVE BEING ATTACKED! ATTACK ME!"

'Passing'

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 21:55:40 GMT

So I've been having a discussion with a guy about 'passing straight away'.
I claimed that no-one passes straight away (with regards to a topic about an MTF not passing)
He claimed that he (an FTM) did - and that he knows MTF's who have passed right away.

I call bullshit.
Or more politely, wishful thinking.
And I stand by my statement.

As much as you might like to THINK that you pass the very first time you present as the other gender, you won't. Lacking many years of experience of living as that gender, you will get clocked.
I've also met individuals who are adept at clocking even the most convincing trans people (even deep voiced, bearded, male bodied FTM's). I guess it's like a weird form of Gaydar.

Until you have lived in your new gender role for a decent period of time, you simply don't have the experience.
Like anything; you can have all the theory is the world, but until you begin to put things into actual practice you're not going to be properly proficient at it.

What people get away with

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 21:05:05 GMT

So this bitch on the forums I frequent said to me:
"You'll never be a woman."

I complained and...
She got away with it.
The admin council deemed that she "did not act maliciously or with bad intent."
They also rattled off this piece of drivel: "The Council recognizes that you have a personal interest in a particular subject that concerns the sexuality you identify with"
What god damn SEXUALITY?
BEING TRANSGENDERED HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY SEXUALITY YOU IGNORANT CORPSE RAPISTS.

I pointed out that what she said to me was no different to saying to a cancer patient "You're going to die a painful lingering death" or telling a crippled person "You'll never ever walk again in your life".
People just don't care.
They don't understand that being trans is just and real and valid as any other affliction.
You don't go around telling people the chilling, hard facts about their condition (oh, you're going to die, tough luck).
Why is it that every other affliction is treated with respect and sympathy, but filthy dirty trannies like me are allowed to be crapped on from a great height?

PLEASE, EVERYONE TELL ME THAT I'LL NEVER BE A REAL WOMAN!
THAT ISN'T MALICIOUS AT ALL!
AND AFTERWARDS, PLEASE FUCK YOURSELF REPEATEDLY IN THE CHEST WITH A NARWHAL TOOTH.

Posted by a gay black man:

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 11:12:12 GMT

"What one considers oneself to be and what one actually is are often too different things. That's why I like the terms "Trans-Man or Trans-Woman". They are safer clear and concise. People are crazy and violent.....I once had a Trans-man come on to me in an ABS (yes...I've been to those) if I had not been able to tell and had actually done something ... with what I consider to be a Trans-Man I would have been enraged and tried to choke a bitch to death.....I understand certain "hate crimes". No one likes to be violated.

I take my exclusive same sex status very seriously....I never will or want to have sex with a biological female and the concept of someone trying to violate that via deception is very unsettling....I am sure that is what certain authentic heterosexuals feel too."

Yeah, I hate it when them dirty trannies try to trick me.
I'd kill their lying fucking asses too.
You know, choke the fucking life right out of them. Watch their eyeballs pop out of their face as they strive to gain vital breath, their mouth contorted in a silent scream at the knowledge of the impending and final end of their existence.
Maybe afterward I'd piss on their corpse and cut off their clit, just to show the other trannyfags not to mess with us gay brothers.
They deserve it.
Right?

-----------------

The quote was posted by Christopher Jerome Herring on Facebook.
I've never wished that someone end up the victim of a hate crime before, but we have a winner.

Darwin Award or Tragic?

Wed, 15 Jul 2009 04:22:30 GMT

http://www.stuff.co.nz/waikato-times/news/2595665/NZer-killed-in-rubbish-crusher

Does this man deserve a Darwin Award for getting killed after falling asleep in a wheelie bin and getting compacted by a garbage truck?
Or should we chalk this one up to the dangers of excessive drinking?
*ponders*

Weighty issues

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 22:11:31 GMT

So I recently discovered that stating the medical risks of surgery on obese people is apparently 'fatphobic'.
Untill I heard that phrase, I wasn't aware that it existed.
Of course, my brain knew on some level that this term had the potential to exist, but I hadn't put it into actual thought.

Anyway, this term confuses me somewhat.
Am I supposed to be scared of overweight people if I'm fat phobic?
Or am I supposed to find them disgusting or abhorent or 'wrong' or something?

Because that would be quite the achievement for me, considering that all but ONE of my past relationships (and I'll run out of fingers and toes if I try to count them all) were with overweight or obese people.
I mean, if I found 'fat people' to be 'disgusting' or 'wrong', why the fuck would I fall in love with so many 'fat' people?
Does not compute.

But hey; whatever people need to do to make themselves feel better.
Pick on the borderline overweight girl and accuse her of being fatphobic.
Because THAT will have a good outcome, I'm sure.

Excuse me while I go stuff 3 pies into myself, or starve myself, or stick my fingers down my throat after eating the pies.
I can't decided which is the most appropriate.

Work Rage

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 21:48:26 GMT

Yesterday I had the unpleasant honour of dealing with a guy at work whom I despise, as last year he said to me on the phone:
Me: "Hello Caitlin speaking."
Guy: "Is that Caitlin?"
Me: "Yes."
Guy: "Really?"
Me: "Yes."
Guy: "But you sound like a bloke."

So things were...tense when I was dealing with him yesterday.
When he was almost out of earshot, I swear I heard him refer to me as 'he' to a colleague of his.
But I can't be certain, so I couldn't do anything about it.

However, I have made a promise to myself that the next person who refers to me by a male ponoun will prompt me to go directly to their manager and inform them of their lack of...humanity. I will demand an apology from the employee and if one isn't forthcoming, I'll go straight to HR (who are brilliant, as far as my dealings with them have been concerned.)

Somedays I just want to find another job and start over, but in all honesty, I love my job and I love most of the people I work with.
I guess it's worth dealing with the small amount of trans issues.

The Parents

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 23:59:55 GMT

Things between me and my parents are still...well, utterly crap.
The last time we spoke ended up in shouting and me being hung up on.
Long story short, we haven't spoken since then. That must have been at least 6 months ago or longer.

I wrote them a letter and basically told them how my life was going - there were no accusations or anything.
Of course, I never got a response.

So I'm going to start sending them postcards every month, with minor updates and stuff.
They can pretend I don't exist, but I'm going to gently remind them that actually DO exist.
On another note, my sister is STILL fence-sitting, even though she KNOWS that what our parents are doing is utterly wrong.
Unfortunately, that means I have no time for her anymore.
While she persists in associating with a pair of transphobic bigots and claiming to love them, I can't see her as anything but an enemy.
Knowing her character quite well, I think she's waiting for it to all blow over and she can walk in and play happy families with everyone once we kiss and make up.
Not likely.

The Toilet Fiasco

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 00:01:53 GMT

In the space of a few days, I've read two recent accounts of workplace bigotry towards transpeople using the female bathroom.
One girl has been told to use the men's room or the family room in the store across the street.
The other one has been told she can't use the women's as well as the men's room. She has to use one outside of her workplace.

I don't bloody well understand this idiocy.
I want to grab the people who make these decissions and SHAKE THEM (with my fist).

You know what the justification for these bigotastic policies are?
"Sexual assault."
Wait.
What?
Sexual assault?
Let me be perfectly clear and drive my point home with caps:
IF SOMEONE WANTS TO SEXUALLY ASSAULT A WOMAN IN A BATHROOM, THEY WILL DO IT, REGARDLESS OF THE RULES ABOUT NOT GOING INTO THE WOMEN'S TOILET.

One more time:
If you are a sexual predator, you're not going to pause and think "Gee, I really shouldn't be in here; men being in the ladies room is NAUGHTY!"
You're already out to commit a serious crime, why worry about breaching bathroom protocols?
I don't know how I can further drive home the magnitude of this retardry.

Let the damn transwomen use the damn female toilets.
There seems to be this stupid fantasy that the female ablution facility is some mystic protection zone that only 'real' women should be allowed to enter. People conjure up images of pink walls, rose petals for toilet paper, cherubs cavorting and playing in the plush carpet and hiding in the pink silk drapes surrounding the gilt mirrors over the mother-of pearl basins full of purest rosewater. Women are safe from the rapacious attentions of men and counsel each other over their problems while receiving pedicures and perms. This is the last bastion of womanhood; MEN ARE NOT WELCOME!
The reality:
We go in there to shit, piss and dispose of bloody pads/tampons in souless, robotic disposal units. This is no wonderland. There is one purpose for this place and that is to void waste.

Ice Age 3

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 21:46:38 GMT

Okay, so I heard REALLY BAD reviews of Ice Age 3.
My opinion: Pretty Good. Eight starts out of ten.

On reflection, some of the comments from the critics should have tipped me off, like "Mammoths and Dinosaurs were not around in the same time."
Well, DUH!
The premise of the film is that the characters find a kind of meteorological enclave where dinosaurs still live.
With the addition of 'Buck', the mad, one eyed weasel voiced by Simon Pegg (Shaun from 'Shaun of the Dead'), I found the film to be even more hillarious than the previous films.
Granted, the first 15 minutes of the film had me yawning, but it picked up nicely and turned out to be a good watch.

Will there be an Ice Age 4?
I doubt it. Three is enough.

Not so triumphant return

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 02:04:45 GMT

Hello Livejournal, I missed you.
Primarily for a safe space to post opinionated rants that I could control and sanitise should things get out of hand.
I've been burned by many forums since I left and decided that they are NOT good environments for a fledgling transgirl to hang out in.
I suppose a good analogy would be letting a haemophiliac root around in a medical sharps disposal unit for a $20 note.
It just wasn't worth it.

There's a certain sense of relief in being back.
Considering that the majority of the people I had/have on my friend's list I know in Real Life, LJ is infinitely more comfortable than a forum populated with hormonal transwomen or jaded teens.
And I can slap you if you say mean things :-D

That's all for now.
There will be PLENTY more.
I have MONTHS of angsty crap to vent about.